It felt like a gaping hole right in the middle of my heart. It was like whatever there was to call my existence was going to collapse and get sucked into that hole. And yet, it exuded pangs and pangs of pain that seemed to drown everything I had known to be my own. It made me aware of a longing so profound, I could not bear to deny it any longer. It was like discovering anew that my bones and muscles and organs were all made of this soft material of sentiment, which was being drawn out of me all at once. I was being drained out of all this life that had unknowingly been mine.
It there was indeed a flux of nurturing force inside me, I wanted you to have it. I wanted the force to engulf you all over so no abrasive airwave could reach even the surface of you. It ached in pulses to let go of this flux, but it also failed to leave my skin rapidly enough to wrap you securely well enough, to shield you of any sorrow deeply enough – including of course my own sorrow.
But how was I to stop aching, to prevent the pulsating ripples from spreading through the space between us? How was I to keep my tears inside my eyes, wanting to betray my sheer helplessness at letting you go? How was I to let that voice dominate that pleaded me to let you go for your own good? How was I to reconcile that being selfish in love was a lesser state of being than being persuaded by the larger good?
Wasn’t it a lot, of God to ask of me or did God ask all souls to make burdensome choices? But if every soul is being burdened with pain, what is the point of existing in this world at all? Do we come here to collect our tokens of pain to vend against for our lessons ahead? Or is carrying pain duty-bound on us for having known the privilege of love in first place?
Or is it that what’s burdensome is the expectation of something in return for loving? Was my love ever my own to possess or was I merely a carrier for you to receive what was rightfully yours? Has my incarnation become fuller in having let you receive it, or has it not?
I surrender myself beyond trying to fathom the yours or mine of love. I only ask the almighty to give me strength enough, that I make keep going on. And in going ahead, replenish my heart with love abundant enough, that some day if you need it again, I can shower it freely, again all over, my love.
Urban Shaman 